Yet another birthday post for me.. but not so happy as the last one unfortunately.  Today would have been my momma's 56th birthday if she were still alive.    I don't even have a good picture on the computer to share, they are grainy scans and horrible :(   This March (she was buried on Sam's birthday which is something that will always be in the back of my mind as we eat birthday cake for him)  marks the second anniversary of her death from lung cancer.   

I have a lot of regrets... I regret not being able to be there before she died,  I regret the anger between us.   I regret most of all, that  SHE didn't stop smoking when HER mother died from the same disease in 1993.  She did, for a while, but started again.  I never stopped reminding her that I didn't want to go through what she did with her momma.   We hadn't spoken for months when she called in October (on a Sunday, thinking DH would be home to take care of me, he wasn't) to tell me her diagnosis and that she knew what it meant.   I knew what it meant too.

The biggest thing I regret is that she wasn't able to be here for so much.  She wasn't here when I sat by my sons bed hoping that he lived, I don't think  a momma ever needed HER momma more than I did then.  I regret that she didn't see him kick ass in his recovery and go back to work less than a year later.  I regret that she didn't see fences mended between my ex & I so that the kids (not that they are really KIDS anymore) don't have to deal with the anger that was there.   I regret that she didn't get to see my family in one peice at  last.  

I'll be off weeping over silly stuff like my boys playing Wii, or even just drinking a cup of coffee (something she did umpteen times a day) if anybody needs me.

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3 Responses

  1. Todd Says:

    *hugs* Feel better soon.

  2. Bridgett Says:

    I'm sorry. Big hugs to you!