Caz

Today I am missing my momma...it is the first anniversary of her death, and it sucks.  Day after tomorrow is the date of her funeral last year.. and also my 4th sons' birthday.  What a total emotional roller coaster that will be.  This past year has been somewhat hellish, at least in large chunks.  Some things just require mom.  Sitting by your sons bed while he lingers in a coma is definitely one of them.  She died of lung cancer that had spread throughout her body.  She was diagnosed in October, and passed away in march.   I still have moments of anger where I just want to scream WHY didn't she stop smoking for good when HER mother died of lung cancer 16yrs ago? If she had, she might still be here...  not that what iff'ing does much good.

This was my momma, the last time I saw her, at Christmas 2002. She flew down to Australia to surprise my older sons when they came to visit (and to see me of course :)  She was a nurse for many years and she enjoyed it.. I remember helping her study for her tests when I was in high school & she was in college.  It definitely influenced my career choices in life.  She was all about her family, her sisters, her grandchildren .. they were so important to her.  Christmas was just about her favorite thing ever.  She spent all of her last December making sure her last Christmas was special and one to remember, and she succeeded.  She had said she would do chemo, but not radiation, because she remembered the hell it was for her mother.  But in the end, her wish to live trumped that.. actually, it was her wish not to leave everyone who cared about her in pain that won out I think.  She had the radiation and went downhill very fast.  I so wish she had done the chemo, and then enjoyed her last months with family & friends instead of suffering as she did. 

Here's to you momma... we'll be corking a bottle of wine tomorrow night in your honour (that's the anniversary back home).. a nice chardonay, her favorite.   And I'll keep right on telling every smoker I know to stop now for the sake of their families....

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3 Responses
  1. Rambleman Says:

    *hugs* Not much I can say, I don't think. Hope with time that everything will get happier for you.


  2. Thanks for popping by regularly & commenting. Losing our parents is a natural part of life, but it still sucks (very eloquent aren't I?) I was faced with the very real possibility of losing my CHILD last year, so I would much prefer to grieve for my mom and not my son. That's about the only thing I could imagine being harder than this.


  3. Rambleman Says:

    Oh, I definitely understand. Lost both my parents within the last couple of months. Going to their funeral on Friday. Can't EVEN imagine do that for a child. *HUGS*